Unmotivated
As the weather grows cold and nights creep in earlier and earlier, I find myself struggling to motivate. Seasonal Affective Disorder mixes in with the usual depression I hold at bay most of the year and tips my mood over into the Sad Zone. Mix that with negative coping mechanisms and you get a very unmotivated Mary.
The only thing that I’ve been able to force myself to do every day is write. I enjoy it, as I always have, and when I’m done I’m satisfied with the 1,000–2,000 words I end up writing. Then I sit…and I stay there until I realize time has passed, and that I should probably go to bed.
Then I look at the time and see that it’s only 6:30pm.
Work has been nervewracking because of the pandemic. As numbers go up and get worse, I find myself anxious before I walk into the restaurant. Once I’m in there, knowing that every new table I get raises the risk factor higher and higher makes me even more anxious. I’m sure I’ve unknowingly been exposed many, many times while I’m busing tables or talking to customers.
By the time I get back home, I’m exhausted from keeping up my peppy server persona, and I just want to lay on the couch and do nothing. I love my job, and I know that there are people out there working so much harder than I am during this pandemic. I also figure that some people forget about the food service and retail workers putting their lives at risk every day for the people who want and need to use their services.
Without the people who are unafraid to eat out, I wouldn’t have a job. It’s hard to be thankful, especially for the clearly selfish ones out there who don’t respect the people catering to them. I still find myself thanking the universe every day that I have a flow of income, no matter how slow the trickle of that flow has become.
There’s a lot going against us this year. Everyone is anxious, everyone is paranoid, everyone is depressed. I’ve never seen so many people in the same boat before, but here we all are on the ocean of 2020, not knowing what else to expect from the waves of shit we’ve been getting this year. Motivating yourself to do anything this year has been the most intense struggle we’ve all had to go through together. But that’s the thing…we’ve all been in this together this entire time, whether or not we know it.
It’s interesting to me to talk to the people that don’t care about the pandemic. I’ve had a few customers talk to me about how it’s “bullshit”, and I’ve seen some people online (some family and friends, no less) that have echoed that sentiment. I wonder if they’ve been able to accomplish what they’ve wanted to this year because they are seemingly unaffected by the virus. I wonder if they’ve known people to get the virus, or seen what it’s done to people. I’ve seen mild cases, and I’m thankful that everyone I’ve known to have the virus has recovered without issues. I wonder if the people who don’t believe in the virus see the mild cases as proving their point.
I wonder if they’ll get the virus and know just how serious it actually is.
Of course, I know I wouldn’t want people to wish harm on me, so I don’t wish harm on them. I only want people to know how disheartening it is to keep going and stay vigilant when they disregard the science and tell me I’m an idiot for keeping my mask on at work. Seeing people not care for the health of their community kills any motivation and hope I have.
At the end of the day, the only person I can control is myself. I know that I’m the only one that can make me do anything, so I try every day to fight the depression and anxiety I feel. This year has been the most challenging for my mental health, and my motivation to keep going is at an all time low. But I still have that little voice in my mind that tells me to keep going, to keep it up, to make it until tomorrow.
Spring will be here before I know it, and the days will begin to grow longer. The warmth of the sun will kiss my skin soon, and even if this pandemic isn’t eradicated completely in 2021, I know that this won’t last forever. I refuse to believe that it will. There are so many things in this world that keep me rooted to it, and for those things I’m grateful. My motivation will return eventually. For now, I just have to make it until tomorrow.
Hello everyone! I’ve got a sad one for ya today! Don’t worry, I’m generally alright. Sometimes I just think about the state of the world and look around my dirty living room and get in my feelings a little bit, that’s all!
Hopefully if you’re feeling a little unmotivated or a little sad about everything, you feel less alone reading this post today. After all, we’re in this together! Eventually things will be happy again. For now, we keep going!
If you feel like keeping up with my posts (and me in general, tbh), feel free to follow me on Twitter! I also have a Ko-fi that I’m still trying to figure out, but if you like my writing go ahead and leave a tip on there! I’m saving all of my Ko-fi tips to fund a hard copy of my NaNo project for this year (tentativley titled ‘Years Apart’, but that’ll change). Of course, don’t feel like you HAVE to tip. Honestly, I’m just happy you read all the way to the end!
Speaking of the end, here we are! Thanks again for reading, and I’ll see you all here next week for the monthly wrapup!
