I Had A Miscarriage.
“But Mary, we didn’t even know you were pregnant!”
Well, this wasn’t the way I wanted to tell everyone. I had barely started telling friends and family! So, surprise…For five weeks, I was pregnant. It was a pretty cool time, even though I only really knew for a week. I was excited! All I’ve ever wanted was to be a mom. It was my dream come true to see a positive test, let alone three.
I remember being wary that the positive tests were kind of light, though. As if I was “kinda” pregnant, not “pregnant” pregnant. I didn’t dwell too long about it, though. After all, I’d been waiting for years for the opportunity to be a mom. Tests came back light all the time! It didn’t change the fact that there was a tiny human growing inside of me.
On Sunday, I began to bleed right after my shower. I immediately grew concerned, but I decided to go on to breakfast anyway and see if the bleeding would stop. It didn’t. After going to the ER, sitting there for several hours, getting poked and prodded and tested…the doctor came back and told me my hGC (the pregnancy hormone) levels were at 15. For a pregnancy at 5 weeks, they should be well over 1500. That bleeding I was experiencing was unfortunately a failed pregnancy.
I was devastated. I am devastated.
In the back of my mind, I knew it was possible. After all, about 10%-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. It’s a common thing that a lot of people tiptoe around talking about. I understand why…it’s a sensitive topic and a very traumatic thing to go through. But of course, me being me, I thought I’d be the exception! I’m sure most women do, now that I think about it.
I also know that only knowing for a week doesn’t change the fact that I was, indeed, pregnant with a whole child! In that short amount of time, I fell in love with that little sesame seed sized cluster of cells inside of my body. I dreamt of meeting Future Baby G, looking into those eyes that Matt and I created out of pure love, watching that baby grow over the years as I fell in love with motherhood. Knowing that life was taken from me hurts.
But! Everything happens for a reason. About half of miscarriages usually happen because fetuses don’t develop with the right chromosomes. Logically, this makes sense. I wouldn’t want to carry a nonviable pregnancy to term if I was given the choice. To me, that would increase the trauma of losing a life too soon. Looking at it from a logical perspective makes it easier to feel something other than soul-crushing sadness.
But the sadness is still there. I know plenty of women who have had their own miscarriages, and some of them were much further along than me. I can’t imagine the weight of that pain knowing how heavy my own is. I know some women who have had multiple miscarriages, and my heart breaks for them too. Having to feel this type of pain is something I hope no one has to feel, but it unfortunately happens everyday. It’s so common, yet we don’t really talk about it as much as we probably should. Like mental health, having a miscarriage is severely misunderstood and the conversation is stunted by taboo feelings.
Why should a life lost too soon be taboo to talk about? We should hold space for this trauma to be felt, and for women to feel less alone when it happens to them. I had no idea miscarriages were so common until I found out I was pregnant. Why is that? Shouldn’t we learn this kind of stuff in school?
But I digress…the sadness and anger I feel about losing this child has already started to be eclipsed by the feeling of hope. Hope that the next time I get pregnant, it sticks. Knowing that I have such a strong support system helps, too. Knowing for sure that I am ready to be a mother despite the traumatic loss I’ve just experienced fuels me to keep trying.
I want people to know that it’s common and normal to go through the trauma of losing a life you’ve just found out you’ve created. If you think you’re alone, you’re not. So many others have been in that hospital bed, or in that bathroom, or sitting at that dining room table…knowing that something is wrong and you can’t stop it. It’s no one’s fault. Life is taken just as quickly as it’s created sometimes. Everything happens the way it’s supposed to happen, and being sad and angry and defeated is normal. So is being numb to the pain, or even relieved. It’s okay to grieve in whatever way you do so.
So, yeah, I had a miscarriage. The wound is still fresh, and it’s deep, but it will heal. My dream of being a mother is a little bit closer to reality now…I just have to take care of myself and try again next time.
Thank you for reading, everyone. I was hesitant to publish this, the day after my hospital stay, but I figured why not? I share my life via this blog for a reason!
Opening up hard conversations is something that’s important to me. You see me talk about my mental health all the time, so naturally I feel like sharing my feelings during this time feels, well, right. We don’t talk about miscarriages and how devastating they are enough. We also don’t talk about the aftermath!
I feel almost an obligation to let everyone know that yeah, miscarrying sucks and I’m sad, but I’ll be okay. I want people to know that this is a common occurrence, and that no one is ever alone in how they feel (both in this specific instance, and in general). Life is crazy like that sometimes, but we get up, dust ourselves off, and try again when we’re ready. It’s okay if you’re never ready, or if you’re ready the same day.
Follow me on Twitter if you’d like to keep up with my daily life and meme retweets, and I’ll see you all next week for the end of the month wrap up. And please, if you’ve gone through a miscarriage and want to talk about it (past, present, or future) reach out to me. I don’t want people to ever feel like they’re alone, no matter the situation.
