How to Date Your Spouse
Hello everyone! Today, I wanted to talk about my husband. Matt is great, he’s the best, and I love him SO much. Our entire relationship is built on that love, as well as trust and communication. I have never been with someone who is as down to talk about what bothers them as he is. It’s refreshing!
Lately, I’ve noticed that we both have fallen into what I like to call the Lull: the point of any relationship where the people involved get, well, comfortable. We have our own lives that intersect and I love that, but I’ve found myself missing him when he’s doin’ his own thing. When we’re together, it’s awesome! However, I find myself wanting more Us Time than I think I do from time to time.
I think sometimes we both forget that it’s important to keep up on the romance part of marriage, so I wanted to talk about how to keep the fire going for other couples who’ve fallen into the Lull.
Schedule Dates. No, Really.
Matt and I are really, really good at hanging out with other people. Spending time with both him and our friends is always a win-win. Sometimes, however, I miss going on dates with him. Of course, the pandemic threw a wrench in going out for a year, but as people get vaccinated and places start opening up again, I find myself daydreaming about fancy restaurants and mall days with Matt…
Obviously, scheduling anything out sounds awful if you’re big into spontaneity. I love a good spontaneous date, but generally we are far too busy to do anything on a whim. I know a lot of other couples are in the same boat. Planning ahead works for busy people like us because it not only gives us something to look forward to, but it gives us dedicated Us Time.
You don’t have to go out to go on a date! Plan a night where you drink wine and eat pizza while watching shitty C-List movies. Go for a long walk around your neighborhood at sunset. Play a co-op game together on the couch! As long as you make time for each other, a date can be anything you want it to be. Just pencil it in, and get excited!
Learn Their Love Language and Feed It Daily
Matt and I have different love languages. If you are unaware of what a love language is, go ahead and find out what yours is! I never really paid attention to love languages until a few years ago, when I realized that I was less than great at giving Matt the attention he deserved in the right way.
My husband is big on physical touch. He always wants to be within arms reach of me. I’m not going to lie; the first time I realized he was always on me, it stressed me out! I get overstimulated sometimes, so knowing that he would always want to hold my hand or rest his leg on mine made me sweat a little. Over time, I got used to him needing that physical affirmation, and now it’s weird to not have him holding onto me 24/7.
On the other hand, I have realized over time that my love language is closer to gift giving and acts of service. I know I’m materialistic (I’m a Leo, what can I say), but to me, gift giving doesn’t always have to mean spending money. Taking me to the Plant Store or giving me the last cookie works too. As for acts of service, well, Matt’s got that down. Anytime I need anything, he’s there for me! Whether it’s making dinner because I’m too tired, going to get tampons when I run out, or simply grabbing the remote from the other side of the room…Matt’s on top of it.
I realized I was bad at love language business when I found that he was much happier to cuddle than he was to get the little gifts I got him. Meanwhile, I think Matt realized that he didn’t have to buy me things all the time to keep me around. It’s important to learn how each other loves once you settle into a relationship. After all, you want to keep that love alive! What better way to do that than learning how your significant other loves?
Of course, there are a lot of people that don’t buy into the whole “5 Love Languages” theory. That’s alright with me. That just means you have to look harder to figure out the way your partner loves to be loved! Whether that means taking a look at your own methods of love giving or simply asking your partner what you can do for them to make them feel loved, you’ve got to put in that effort.
People Change, and That’s Okay
People change during their own personal journey, and people change within their relationships as well. Friends become distant memories of who they were, and old lovers fall from your mind to make room for new ones. Your parents become Real People and your siblings become your best friends (or your worst enemies).
Your spouse is going to change over time. It happens. Keeping the love in your relationship/marriage is harder as time goes on because we get comfortable and forget why we fell for each other in the first place. I believe that a lasting relationship is built on not only trust, communication, and respect, but the simple knowledge that the person you decide to spend your life with will evolve over time.
To be quite honest, Matt and I would not be married if we were the same people we were when we met. Of course, I fell in love with 22 year old Matt, but 27 year old Matt has kept me around because of all of the growth he’s done over the past five years. I’m sure he’d say the same about me. He gave up smoking cigarettes, started bettering himself, got bigger and better job opportunities, and is now thinking about going to school for the first time (yay!). I moved out of the house I thought I’d live in forever (which doesn’t sound like a big obstacle, but woooo buddy was it hard), made my own big career moves, and started trying to make myself a better person mentally, physically, and emotionally, not just for us, but for myself.
It’s important to stress that even though change is inevitable, it does not have to mean you need to change yourself FOR your partner. I dislike the idea of changing for someone because to me, changing for someone else means that when they are gone, you go back to how you used to be. That’s not growth, and that can hurt the way you look at your own growth in the future. As someone who has a history of always saying yes to please people, lemme tell ya: it’s not fun to be alone and realize that you haven’t changed since high school.
Being in a long-term relationship means that you not only grow on your own, but you grow WITH your partner, not FOR them. Growing with Matt has been the highlight of my 20s, and I’m sure I’ll feel the same way about my 30s with him in my life. Focusing on bettering yourself should inspire the people around you to do the same. If your partner tries to hold you back and inhibit your growth, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your partner.
To wrap things up, let me just say this: You should want to see your person happy. Long-term relationships are hard. I’ve only ever been in one other LTR before Matt, so I don’t have a lot of experience with other people in that way. All I know is what has worked and not worked in my relationships over my love life years. What works? Making time for your partner, remembering why you fell in love, and growing together works for us. Learning how to love someone deeply has been one of the best experiences of my life, and I hope that this post helps you guys find what works in your own relationships so that you can feel the same way!
If you enjoyed this post, feel free to follow me on Twitter! I talk about Matt from time to time on there, but you should stick around to see when I post a new Monday blog! Feel free to leave a tip on ko-fi if you enjoyed this post as well, but don’t feel like you HAVE to. All the tips I get go right into the self-publishing costs of my novel that I’m working on right now!
Thanks for reading, y’all! Come back next Monday for something new!
